We Re-Ranked NHL.com’s Top 10 Giveaways List Because They Got It Way Wrong

Tom Higgins
Credit: Flickr

Apparently, the folks at NHL.com have been reading Promo Marketing. How else would they have decided to rank the top 10 promotional product giveaways for the 2017-18 season? While we’re incredibly humbled to have received such an honor (or at least to bestow it upon ourselves), we decided to re-rank their list. Because, with all due respect, the NHL got it way wrong.

So, we took NHL.com’s list and rearranged it the right way. Here is the actual, official, unbiased and objective re-ranking of that list.

10. Dale Hawerchuk Mini Banner (NHL.com Rank: 9)

Arizona Coyotes vs. Winnipeg Jets, Bell MTS Centre, Nov. 14

No offense to Dale Hawerchuk, but this promotion is pretty standard. A mini banner? The retro Jets logo, while a nice touch, isn’t enough to rank this promotion higher. We’re not trying to be too critical here, but in a list that includes fake facial hair and gravy boats, this one was just doomed.

9. Marc-Andre Fleury Paper Mask (NHL.com Rank: 6)

Calgary Flames vs. Vegas Golden Knights, T-Mobile Arena, March 18

As Flyers fans (for the most part), we here at Promo Marketing find it tough to give Fleury any props, especially since he was lethal against our boys during his stint as a Pittsburgh Penguin. However, we respect that his career has been resurrected in Las Vegas, and we’re willing to give this paper mask promotion ninth place in our ranking. It’s pretty cool and creative, but we doubt it could stop a puck. We would not recommend testing that one out.

8. Joel Quenneville Mustache (NHL.com Rank: 3)

Minnesota Wild vs. Chicago Blackhawks, United Center, Oct. 12

This one is a little disturbing, to be honest. As a coach notable for his temper and overall seriousness, Quenneville likely wasn’t too keen on this promotion either. Since the Blackhawks are not only going to miss the postseason, but also take last place in their division as the season comes to a close, it’s probable that this faux-stache is the least of their worries.

7. Patrick Eaves Beard (NHL.com Rank: 7)

Winnipeg Jets vs. Anaheim Ducks, Honda Center, Jan. 25

https://twitter.com/AnaheimDucks/status/956312632801177600

This doesn’t look anything like Eaves’ actual beard. However, beard trumps stache as far as our list is concerned, so kudos to you Anaheim. You’ve made it—to No. 7. At least NHL.com got this one right.

6. Dominik Hasek Bobblehead (NHL.com Rank: 10)

Senators vs. Sabres, KeyBank Center, April 4

While this one has yet to be released, we’re willing to give it sixth place due simply to the fact that it’s Hasek, and that’s pretty much as good as it gets. Don’t believe us? Go watch some highlights, and make sure to fasten your jaw just in case. The guy could make a save.

5. Dylan Larkin ‘D-Boss’ Bobblehead (NHL.com Rank: 1)

Florida Panthers vs. Detroit Red Wings, Little Caesars Arena, Dec. 11

Before he was a star in the NHL, Dylan Larkin was apparently a human like the rest of us who posted slightly embarrassing videos of himself on YouTube. This bobblehead is a commemoration of his video career, and though it was enough to top NHL.com’s list, we’re not as impressed. Sorry, D-Boss. You can’t win ‘em all.

4. Los Tiburones Jersey (NHL.com Rank: 5)

New York Islanders vs. San Jose Sharks, SAP Center, Oct. 14

A limited edition jersey, complete with the team name in Spanish? That’s pretty cool. Guaranteed to be the coolest/most obscure jersey to be worn during a beer league pickup game. Guaranteed to make fourth place. Well done, San Jose. Well done.

3. Obiz-Wan Kenobi Bobblehead (NHL.com Rank: 8)

Vegas Golden Knights vs. Arizona Coyotes, Gila River Arena, Nov. 25

This pop culture crossover is the perfect celebration of a mediocre team and its most mediocre, unlikely star. Paul Bissonnette, or, the artist formerly known as Biznasty, is a rather compelling character, and although the league has been forcing players such as him out over the past decade or so in order to clean up the sport, we’re glad he’s been immortalized by this sweet bobblehead. He’s earned the honor. Plus, as a Star Wars tie-in, the promo probably worked out well for the Coyotes.

2. Capitals Gravy Boat (NHL.com Rank: 2)

Ottawa Senators vs. Washington Capitals, Capital One Arena, Nov. 22

This one was tough. While this promotion is certainly, even overwhelmingly unique, we just couldn’t make it our No. 1 choice this time around. This may, however, be the most useful product on the list, which is something. Oh, and it’s apparently been seen for sale on eBay for upwards of $100. That’s no small feat for such a small ice resurfacer. Unfortunately, our champion was just too good to ignore.

1. Shirtless Thornton Bobblehead (NHL.com Rank: 4)

New Jersey Devils vs. San Jose Sharks, SAP Center, March 20

Have you ever seen such a glorious bobblehead in your life? We didn’t think so. While some of our readers may wonder how we could post a fake beard so high in our ranking, just know that we have worked out a precise algorithm in order to properly rank faux-facial hair, and it has proven that fake hair plus real human is less than fake hair plus fake human. We’re no math magicians, but this made sense to us. Regardless, here’s our champ, folks, in all its chiseled, bare-chested, creepy glory. You’re welcome.

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