THE UNIFORM MONDAY Holiday Act was signed into law on June 28, 1968, mandating that certain federal holidays be moved from fixed dates to specifically designated Mondays. Why, you may ask, would the government spend taxpayer time and money moving holidays from their traditional dates to arbitrarily assigned Mondays? In their wisdom and benevolence, Congress wanted to maximize the number of annual three-day weekends for Americans. Specifically, the number of three-day weekends for federal employees and organizations. Federal organizations like Congress. And you thought they never did anything for you.
One such holiday affected by this change is Washington’s Birthday. Originally celebrating the birth date of President Washington on Feb. 22, someone eventually realized that moving the holiday to the third Monday of February, which occurs between the 15th and 21st, ensured it would never actually be celebrated on Washington’s birthday. Congress’ solution? Start informally calling it “Presidents Day” and hope no one notices.
In honor of the bureaucratic process that makes Presidents Day possible, Promo Marketing presents the top 10 political promotions. For authenticity, we asked people in the office what they felt should be included on this list, and then ignored all of their responses and wrote whatever we wanted.
10) An extra-large 5 Finger Foam Hand from Foamworx to help our senators reach across the aisle once in while.
9) Have you ever wondered if our elected representatives are actually listening to us? With donkey- and elephant-imprinted earplugs for the House of Representatives and Senate, you’ll never have to wonder again.
8) The U.S. flag lapel pin from F&H Ribbon Co. Inc. is a staple of the political wardrobe, and for good reason. How else can politicians show their love of country and dedication to their constituents? By passing laws that benefit Americans? Actual legislating is just so hard.
7) Facing a tough choice? No problem—slap a Senate logo on flip-flops from Neet Feet and never worry about having to stick with a decision again. Available in red and blue, naturally. Arlen Specter has a pair in each color.
6) Binoculars and a map of Russia.
5) On the subject of global awareness, an atlas of Earth so our political leaders can see that America is not the center of the world. (That would be Brangelina.)
4) Lip balm and hand sanitizer, because kissing babies and glad-handing can expose one to any number of contagious diseases. And it’s not like the government is going to take care of your health.
3) For the president who has everything, a mahogany humidor is the perfect gift. Handsome, practical and far less scandalous than letting an intern hold your cigar.
2) With USA Today reporting 48 million viewers for the State of the Union address, just sell some advertising space on the front of the president’s podium and—voilà—recession’s over.
1) The Jorg Gray 6500 Chronograph watch worn by President Obama and exclusive to Secret Service employees. While you can buy the same model as the government-issue version, you can’t talk into it like a James Bond-style secret agent watch phone … or can you?
