Sandwiched between the infinitely more fun winter holidays and the edgy bad-boy that is Halloween, Thanksgiving sometimes seems like that quiet kid at the winter social, awkwardly dancing by himself and mumbling apologies like, “Hey we have pumpkins too, plus other squashes …” to anyone who will listen.
Well, no more. Now is the time for Thanksgiving to take its place among the promotional holiday greats. Below are 10 fool-proof product ideas sure to restore glory to the one American holiday that isn’t mostly about furniture sales.
10| A turducken with multiple, context-appropriate imprints. The outer turkey layer would have a logo for a good bakery, the middle duck layer an affordable gym, and the innermost chicken layer a cardiologist.
9| For their annual Thanksgiving game, enchanted glasses that replaces the Detroit Lions with a team that is actually bearable to watch. It can be any team you want, so feel free to get creative with matchups and pick something like the ’71 Cornhuskers or the synchronized aqua-dance team from the retirement community across the street.
8| The Turkey stress reliever from Ariel Premium Supply. A few simple squeezes will halt the launch of classic passive-aggressive holiday back-and-forths like “Turkey’s a little dry this year, hun,” and “Sorry, I couldn’t hear the oven timer over your mashed potatoes coming out like crap.”
7| Historically accurate pilgrim costumes. No promotion in mind here, I just feel like I could walk into people’s houses and eat anything I wanted, provided I used the “Sorry, long boat ride to a strange land, low on provisions in the village, you know the deal” excuse.
6| Clients hosting a large Thanksgiving dinner? Make sure to provide something like the Small Tin of mints from Admints & Zagabor in order to prevent those “Your breath smells like creamed onion soup and asparagus, I want to die” moments.
5| Make-your-own hand-turkey illustration kits, designed specifically for adults. End-users can trace their hands, color the finger-plumes whatever they like, and add all kinds of pre-provided accessories, like briefcases, squiggly back-pain lines or depression.
4| Bay State Specialty Company’s EZ Freeze Square Food Storage Containers are great for packing up leftovers and sparing end-users from visiting college-age children returning to school along with great aunt Gilda’s antique green bean casserole dish.
3| Caffeinated gravy to counter the tryptophan/general gluttony-induced fatigue that inevitably seizes the end of turkey day. Turn post-dinner dish cleanups into events full of jittery conversation and comically unstable hands, just like nature intended them to be.
2| Cross-dimensional pie. A dessert that only exists in our reality for a few hours, so once eaten it will eventually warp out of your stomach, taking itself and its associated calories back to its home, the pie dimension. Perfect for theoretical physicists who are also concerned about their weight.
1| A 60″ plasma TV. This way, little Timmy, who’s always wanted to see the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade, will be able to get roughly the same experience without freezing his (as well as his parents’) butt off.
